Give them the structure and example to help them grow.
My husband loves to garden but he doesn’t like to use stakes or trim the plants. Every year we have tomato plants take over our yard. The fruit is really hard to find and there probably isn’t as much of it. He feels it is more natural to not fuss over it constantly and likes to just let it grow.
Our kids need a little bit more.
They need the stakes and trimming in order to grow and find their genius.
When kids fail, take it as an opportunity to do some tomato staking. Have them spend some quality time with you training them what to do and how to do it.
For instance, if they are having a hard time saying nice things to others, have them spend the day with you. Every time they say something that isn’t very nice, point it out and give them the opportunity to change it. If they aren’t sure how model it for them. For instance:
After seeing a sibling make a mistake –
Calvin: He is so stupid!
Mom: Is that a nice thing to say?
Calvin: No.
Mom: What would be something nice to say?
Calvin: I don’t know.
Mom: You could offer to help them correct it or teach them the right way to do it. You are really good at this. Why don’t you show them how to do it?
Calvin: OK.
After helping his sibling
Mom: You did a great job helping! How do you feel?
Calvin: I feel good!
Mom: Helping others by sharing what you know makes you feel good and them feel good!
I read about tomato staking as a parenting tool decades ago. I’m not sure where the term originated (if you know, please share!) It definitely works best for young kids but can be used with older ones, especially for a refresher.
I’m not going to lie. Tomato staking is exhausting for the parent but it is something that pays huge dividends later on. Usually, I just needed to do it for one of my kids and all of them got it. Try it out and let us know if it works for you!